Friendshifts

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I am recently out of an almost 3 year, intense relationship in which my boyfriend became most of my life. Not only did we share all of our time and money, but we ended up bridging our circle of friends to create a group of mutual friends. Since I’ve ended the relationship, I’ve found myself caught in the middle of more difficulties. Now, my ex is constantly hanging out with our mutual friends and badmouthing me to them and vice versa. Almost all of my friends have expressed the desire to remain unbiased and uninvolved, It bothers me that they cannot see that I am being treated extremely unfairly and slandered to my mutual friends. If they really wanted to stay out of it, why wouldn't they tell my ex to not mention it at all? As hard as the break up was, it's even harder to have to share our mutual friends. I don't want to walk away from my close friendships that have lasted much longer than this relationship and I don't want to make them choose sides, but when it is apparent that my ex is treating my unfairly and lashing out at me (verbally) in front of my friends, I feel they should have the guts and the loyalty to stand up for what is clearly right. Should I be upset that they are not standing up for me when it's clear that he is mistreating me and slandering me? Should I confront my friends? Should I walk away from these friends? Or should I just try to keep our lives separate and see my friends when I know my ex won't be around? Should I just look past their seemingly lack of loyalty? ~ Help!

  

You are in a very difficult situation – and it sounds like you don’t have anywhere to turn for relief.  The only certain and strong place has got to be within you. And that’s hard when your circle of connections is so compromised. From what you say many of your friends are not 100% there to support you as you need to be supported now. And yes, I think you should speak up and simply tell your friends what you need. Be specific and be clear and talk about today, not last week or last year. Best to you. ~ Alisa

Your friends will not put up with ex-boyfriend's bad behavior for long. His sour grapes are showing, which is going to leave a bad taste in their mouths - and make them wonder what he says about them behind their backs. Just hang in there, see your friends when your ex won't be around, and let them sort out their loyalty. Don't be too hard on them - they're probably confused at the moment and trying to figure out what to do themselves. Take it day by day and all will be well. ~ Gina

Wedding Meddling

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I’m getting married soon, for the second time, and having a small wedding. Recently, my parents ran into old friends of the family who they haven’t seen in years, and invited them to my wedding. They’re very excited about coming - but frankly I’m annoyed at my parents. I have friends who aren’t even coming because we’re trying to keep the guest list short. I haven’t sent out the invitations yet - but they know the date. Now what do I do? ~ Mad

You can do lots of things. Tell off your parents and make them un-invite the friends.  Tell your parents they can't come because the new people took their places. Be spontaneous - and enjoy these old family friends at your wedding. Or elope.~ Gina

Here comes your chance for a truly brave conversation. I think you need to have a very open discussion with your parents. I’m not sure what the final outcome will be and you don’t need to know that either. What you do need to know is what’s most important to you.  Is it that you didn’t invite some of your friends and your parents have invited theirs? Is it that you feel your needs haven’t been considered? Is it something else? With that as the point of the conversation, you can move into uncharted territory. And you need to do this right away. There is will be no better time.  ~ Alisa

 

Clean Up Your Act

Dear Alisa and Gina,

 I used to use a local dry cleaner who was nice and did a good job - but always asked me personal questions, like how much my house cost, how much my son’s tuition is, what my husband does for a living. I found these questions kind of annoying and found a different dry cleaner who is much more polite. Anyway, I just ran into the old dry cleaner this morning on the street, and she asked me point blank why I don’t use her anymore. I didn’t know what to say. All I could come up with was some lame excuse how I didn’t do much dry cleaning any more. She looked away (probably knew I was lying) and walked off. It was really uncomfortable. Though it’s already over I was wondering if you could suggest something I could have said. ~ Feeling Awkward in Armonk

I guess my question to you is why is it so hard to speak up for what concerns you? Your discomfort about her questions is legitimate, not something to be ashamed of. And as such you just need to take a deep breath and after you give yourself permission to have your feelings, let her know that you like her, and that she does good work, but her personal questions are unbearable. You will be doing her a favor. And yourself as well. ~ Alisa

Awww - she misses you. That’s sweet. But actually, this woman sounds like a bit of a loose cannon. I mean, to confront you on the street? No wonder you don’t use her anymore. I agree with Alisa - you could have told her that personal questions made you uncomfortable. It would have been a hard pill for her to swallow - but at least she’d have an answer. ~ Gina

Friends in High Places

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I have an old friend who is sort of famous, not rock star or Hollywood famous, but easily recognized. I have another newer friend who would really, really like to meet this friend - to talk about who knows what. Getting work, getting an autograph. I don’t want to know. But I know she hounds me all the time about meeting my famous friend. I feel very uncomfortable about inviting the second friend to a party or anything where the famous friend is going to be. But they’re both good friends of mine. And now, with a special occasion (my son’s bar mitzvah) coming up - I’d really like to invite both friends - but I’m afraid non-famous friend will end up bothering famous friend. Any suggestions? ~ Friend of Semi-Famous

Tell non-famous friend that you will have a bodyguard ready to shoot a tranquilizer dart at her if she comes within 50 feet of famous friend. Then make her sign a waiver absolving you of all liabilities and promising not to approach famous friend. If she won’t sign, don’t invite her. On second thought, just don’t invite her - if she’s that pushy you don’t need her there. It will be one less thing to worry about. ~ Gina

It’s time to speak up clearly about what your concerns are. If you haven’t ever mentioned how much your new friend’s attitude to your “famous” friend bothers you this would be your time. Your situation is not uncommon, mostly we try to avoid conversations that might be uncomfortable by ignoring the ongoing discomfort we feel at what is already happening. Your family’s big celebration is your time – and in order to prepare for that event, you need to make your needs clear. ~Alisa

Help Wanted

Dear Alisa and Gina,

I am looking for a job – and I am struggling about asking one friend in particular for an introduction to his company. Our relationship has largely been social and though we talk about work, there has never been any deep interest in what I do precisely and what I’m looking for. Now that I’ve been let go, I feel a greater sense of urgency. I’m a little annoyed he’s never offered, since he’s known about my situation practically the whole time I have. How do I ask for help – or should I even try? - Searching for a Situation

It’s hard when dear friends and family can’t read our minds and offer the help we dream of. But that’s sort of a fairy tale. I suggest that you get very specific about what you are looking for, do some research about who might be able to make an introduction for you, and then go talk with everyone you know. It’s unlikely that the first person will be able to make one introduction that will be perfect, but you may just be surprised at the number of interesting people you will meet. ~ Alisa

 I agree with Alisa. How about a simple e-mail that says, “Are there any openings for positions in your company that you think would be right for me. Or, can you suggest someone in your company, or elsewhere, to whom I can speak or send a résumé?” Simple, direct, and the worst thing he can say is no. But, I bet he’ll come up with a few suggestions anyway.~ Gina

Fly's the Limit

Dear Alisa and Gina,

Should you say something when your boss's fly is unzipped, or let him find  out for himself later, after he has greeted the whole office? This happens a couple times a week and it's embarrassing for everyone involved. Please help! ~ Fed Up Receptionist

I totally understand that this is a really uncomfortable situation. So this is what I'd suggest. You need to set up a time with your boss - when there isn't an audience. Let him know that this is a very frequent occurrence. He may be more embarrassed than you are; more than likely he'll be grateful. You might even make a joke and see if there's a code you can have to remind him. ~ Alisa

How awkward a moment the wardrobe malfunction causes. The wayward bra strap, the slipped slip, the gaping blouse, the unzipped fly. And how fervently we wish the offender/victim would only notice it him or herself so we wouldn't have to avert our eyes and try to save them from their own grooming errors. Alas, it is up to us to intervene - but how? A brief comment can work, preferably from another man. Or, if that's not possible, I like the low-voiced "Ahem" to get their attention, and gentle gesture - pointing at oneself to mimic what they need to do. 

 

But what I find so curious here is that you mention that it happens a couple of times a week. A couple of times a week?!? This isn't an incident, this is more frequent than a status meeting. So maybe this man is aware on some level that he leaves his fly unzipped. Or, he's so clueless that he's leaving a lot of things undone, and this is just one of the outward manifestations. Hmmm. Well, try Alisa's and/or my suggestions. Then, if the problem continues, write back and we’ll talk more. ~ Gina

Parent Trap

Dear Alisa and Gina ~

My friend recently told me that her husband is really worried about his parents who still live alone in their home (on the other coast) despite an array of health issues and the fact that they are in their 90s. The parents stubbornly refuse help and refuse to move to assisted living or closer to family. My friend’s husband is periodically resigned to whatever may befall them and occasionally really torn up and involved. His latest period of involvement and concern had him worrying aloud that he and his wife may have to move cross-country to move in and care for the aging couple. While this move would be unwelcome to all parties concerned, I really don’t know what to say when I hear my friend’s story. Should I encourage her to speak up – should I encourage her to seek professional assistance for her spouse, his parents or herself? Or should I just stay out of it? ~ Concerned

Don’t stay out of it - but don’t offer advice. Just listen. It sounds like she needs your ear. ~ Gina

Here’s a suggestion, ask your friend what kind of response she would like. Often we carry around this question of what should I say when it can so easily be handled by a simple inquiry: such as  “how can I help you the most?”  I know most of us weren’t raised to respond in so direct a manner, but it is helpful to your friend to move away from worries and fears into concrete action. ~Alisa